POISON A CHILD WITH A BREAKING BAD VIDEO GAME
The Lego series of video games have been a fun and cute way for small children (and high adults) to enjoy entirely G rated versions of popular series like Star Wars, Batman, and Indiana Jones. They’re perfect for keeping little brothers and sisters occupied, while indoctrinating them into classic fantasy and sci-fi stories. But, what if you wanted to get your 4-year-old niece into the world of meth dealing and murder, at an early age without having to risk her being killed by Mexican Cartel assassins? If that’s your goal, then we need to petition Lego to make this Breaking Bad video game designed by Brian Anderson, so kids can learn the essentials of drug distribution and moral relativism, before they learn to count.
Personally, I don’t have any small children in my life, but I do know that kids cost mad money. One of the only sure fire ways to recoup the crazy amounts of cash you invest in rearing a child is to prepare them for a career that makes wild money. Being a doctor, lawyer, professional athlete, or meth kingpin; for example. Remember, the children are our future, teach them well and one day they’ll bring home more money than you can spend without getting the attention of the DEA and IRS.
BRINGING DA PHONK WITH SPACEGHOSTPURRP
Go ahead, let your mom catch you watching/listening to this shit—get your ass sent to church camp, down south for the summer. Spend your whole damn vacation getting “reeducated” in the ways of the lord, from a tubby dude that could be a real life version of Hank Hill; just because your family is convinced you’re a devil worshipper. Unsurprisingly, Grandma Bev will not find Spaceghostpurrp‘s “Bringing Da Phonk” to be “wavy as fuck.” She will not “feel the phonk.” She will however tell your mother “something ain’t right with that boy/girl.” While you won’t be able to spend the summer acting like an asshole and experimenting with sex like you wanted to, you will however make life long friends at Jesus Camp when you start hanging out with that one gay kid and the girl who caught giving a dude a handjob behind the football field. The good lord always finds a way to bring kindred spirits together.
DRYING YOUR TEARS WITH 100 DOLLAR BILLS
For all of y’all looking to get moderately turnt up on a Monday afternoon, here’s 808 Mafia’s second mixtape of instrumental trap beats—808 Mafia 2. Those of you that fancy yourselves scholars of coke rap production will recall that 808 Mafia are an in house production collective for Bricksquad, started by Lex Luger and Southside. Expect a combination of beats perfect for gym playlists and wiping away tears with fresh hundred dollar bills. There’s a song called “Versace Tears”; apparently I’m too poor to know there’s a designer tear market, but we have aspirational rap to put us plebeians onto such things. I’m sure all Versace tears are made from the actual tears of indigenous peoples, but filtered through osmosis to get rid of any beggarly odors.
Compared to the previous 808 Mafia collection, this tape is a lil more pensive and subdued, more songs that sound like Future’s “Astronaut Chick”, than Future’s “Same Damn Time”. But, make no mistake, everything sounds like something Future could rap on. Included on the tape are Future’s “Cee-Lo” and 2 Chainz’ “Crack” because, when you produce two giant hits you put em on as many mixtapes as you can. It’s like your one friend that constantly talks about the one time he fucked a stripper, or your mom still carrying around a picture of you from elementary school, because that’s the last time you made her proud.
Download 808 Mafia’s – 808 Mafia 2.
JUKE GONE NIHILIST WITH DJ RASHAD
Apparently DJ Rashad doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t give a fuck about you. He doesn’t give a fuck about himself. Absolute, unflinching nihilism. Dude is on some real Tupac in Juice shit.
A lot of people like to say they “give zero fucks” these days, because caring about things isn’t cool, but how many of those people are really contributing to not giving a fuck as a movement? Yeah, you walked out on your job in the middle of a shift. I get that you’re the type of person to piss in a bottle in a moving car, then throw it out the window uncapped. But, until you drop a song, tailor made for heads to bust an excited “I don’t give a fuck” dance to, you’re not really helping the cause. Next time you step on someone’s foot and they get heated, pull out your iphone, queue this shit up, and then just freestyle a “I Don’t Give A Fuck” dance with reckless abandon and aplomb. Make sure to flip the bird a couple of times, so people know you’re really into it.